Following
in the vein of the the “25 random things about me” that is
sweeping through the profiles of Facebookers around the Web, here's
“25 random things” from an anonymous intranet following an
exclusive interview with IntranetBlog.com (yes, I provided the
translation):
Executives
don't seem to care much for me but the communications, HR and IT
people fight over me!
Communications
sort of owns me, but HR kind of does too... and IT owns part of it,
but I'm not sure what part.
Our
CEO uses me all the time; last month he had his assistant look-up a
phone number.
I
have many neglected sisters that I've never met, but we all look and
act different (I'm the cute one though). (tip to Julian Mills)
My
home page design is really, really cool.... if it was 1994.
I'm
so old and out-dated that I'm retro cool. Hush Puppies have nothing
on me.
Microsoft
doesn't run me yet... but they will! (They already pimp my sisters).
I
kinda have content management; it's called Dreamweaver.
Governance?
No, we're Canadian, we have premiers.
Personalized
portal? We don't have time for that...
Intranet
blogs? Absolutely not; legal considers them more dangerous than
terrorists..
Wiki?
A what now?!
My
peeps always complain that they “can't find anything!” on me;
and yet they refuse meta tags...
Information
architecture is for suckers
Our
employees don't visit our vision and values page, but they flock to
the caffeteria menus (meatloaf is surprisingly popular.... “MA!
THE MEATLOAF! What is she doing back there?!)
Why
hire an outside expert to help when we can close our eyes and 'hope'
it gets better...? (The summer student intern program will be our
'tippint point').
Employees
use Facebook more than they use me.
We
just banned Facebook.
The
budget we spend on art for hallways is 10x my budget. What's the ROI
on paintings, huh?!
The
budget we spend on coffee swizzle sticks is 2x my budget. ROI not
required.
I
have a budget?!?!
What's
my name again?
Homeland
security doesn't consider me a threat (yet).
I
don't have any video, intranet 2.0, or anything innovative... but
not to worry, I hear the Telex is going to make a stunning comeback.
The
search engine doesn't suck! You suck!
The
above opinions expressed by said intranet in no way reflect the
opinions, secret thoughts or previously blogged or tweeted advice of
the author, the Microsoft Corporation, or the writers of Wedding
Crashers. Any resemblance to real
persons, intranets, or meatloaf living or dead is purely
coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required.
Batteries not included.
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of
the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single- malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of
year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3.
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6.
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going
to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin.
Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else
do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9.
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel
terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to
live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
U.S.
President-elect Barack Obama’s to-do
list (from Gerry Flahive, The Globe and Mail (Canada):
1.Buy puppy.
2.Return You Don't Mess with the Zohan DVD to video store; ask for refund as
it kept skipping on special features.
3.Fix global economy.
4.Win war in Afghanistan.
5.Choose puppy name from short list: Carbon
Neutral, Alexis de Tocqueville or Mr. Giggles?
6Buy chew toy for puppy (or several?How fast do they go through these
things?)
7.Renew our historically strong ties with the
Dominion of Canada, asserting America's respect for its cultural and
political independence, and ever-so-delicately renegotiating only several small
clauses in the North American free-trade agreement, all the while assuring the
Canadians of our sincere goal of improving trade without harming that nation's
vital potash industry. (Canadians will laugh hysterically to this… the others
will scratch their heads. It’s a cultural thing).
8.Train puppy.
9.Find out if suede is considered
"presidential."
10.Send change-of-address form to post office.
11.Return the $150,000 worth of Nike basketball
shoes to the Democratic National Committee.
12.Change status on Face-book to "is now
president-elect."
13.Wean self slowly off Grecian Formula.
14.Buy more Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer.
15.Start work on
inaugural address; appropriate to mention puppy?
It goes
down the list to 44 items but rapidly becomes less amusing...
Here’s my (Toby Ward's) “Web to-do list” for President-elect Obama:
1-Facebook friend
invite Dick Cheney
2-Horrified by his
friends list, “remove” Dick Cheney from friends
3-Redesign the
country-western motif of the White House Intranet
4-Mapquest “Taco Bell”
with directions from 1600 Pennsylvania
Seriously,
intranets are boring. The Internet, is mildly more interesting There really is
a lot more to life…
It
occurred to me that while this blog / site is dedicated to business technology,
I’ve noticed interest in non-business related blogs (from time-to-time). So,
once in a blue moon I’m going to give you a little more insight into me and
“what makes me tick” so that you might be able to place a personality to the
individual that all-too-often is droning on about “2.0”, employee productivity,
engagement… blah, blah, blah.
So I’m
going to offer up a multi-part series on “What makes me tick” beginning with my
favorite songs. For my birthday this year, even though we’ve separated now, my
wife and daughters bought me an iPod. It was a fantastic gift, really, because
I’d forgotten how important music is in my life, in people’s lives in general,
and what an up-lifting and influential affect they can have on mood, attitude,
energy level, etc. So while it was difficult to narrow this list down to
something more manageable, and in no particular order, here are my all time
favorite songs:
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns
N’ Roses
ParadiseCity - Guns N’ Roses
Always on the Run – Lenny
Kravitz
Learning to Fly – Pink Floyd
Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd
So Lonely – Police
Message in a Bottle – Police
It Hasn’t Hit Me Yet – Blue
Rodeo
Little Bones – Tragically Hip
Bolero – Ravel
Blue Danube – Strauss
Alive – Pearl Jam
Red Mosquito – Pearl Jam
Evenflow – Pearl Jam
It’s the End of the World –
REM
Only the Good Die Young –
Billy Joel
Chan Chan – Buena Vista Social Club
Definition – Kruder &
Dorfmeiseter
Walk on the Ocean – Toad the
Wet Sprocket
Little Heaven – Toad the Wet
Sprocket
Kind of Blue – Miles Davis
Pride – U2
Mass Romantic – New Pornographers
When I Come Around – Green
Day
As Baile – Enya
LA Woman – The Doors
Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith
All Along the Watchtower –
Jimi Hendrix
Bad Moon Rising – CCR
Back Door – CCR
You’re Nobody Till Somebody
Loves You – Dean Martin
Bring the Noise – Public
Enemy
Can I Kick It – Tribe Called
Quest
Enjoy the Silence – Depeche
Mode
Blind Faith – New Order
Honorable
mentions (just missed out, but I couldn’t pick just one song):
Collective Soul (too many to
list)
Gin Blossoms (anything off
the 1st album)
Public Enemy (most anything
from first 4 albums)
Sarah McLachlan (my
neighbour)
Odds (played my high school)
54-40 (went to my high
school)
Stone Roses
Oasis
Velvet Revolver
Beatles
Mark Isham
Celine Dion (ha ha, just
kidding )
Feel free
to post your own favorites below… or to disagree with me by posting below. Part II next week on my favorite books.
(GENEVA, SWZ) I rarely share my
adventures with readers simply because… who cares what a Canadian does (beer…
blah, blah…. Hockey... blah, blah…. Doughnuts… its all been done before)?! However,
I’m going to make a special exception today because people need to be warned –
the world needs to be warned about Gare du Nord.
I’ve been
through Gare du Nord (GRD), the preeminent rail station in Paris, a half-dozen
times or so in the last couple of years. Traveling to and from GRD via Eurostar
is a breeze; other rail lines are a little more chaotic, but manageable if
you’re not in a rush; the RER is a f—king nightmare.
Yes, I
swore on this blog – for the first time in the nearly four years I’ve been
writing it. Let me repeat myself for the record – just in case you thought I
was drunk or just slipped on the keyboard –the Gare du Nord – RER combo is a
f—king nightmare. (Caveat: this Swiss beer I’m presently drinking – only my
first today so I’m quite lucent thank you – isn’t helping my mood, nor is the GenevaAirport, one of the most annoying in the
Western world… good thing I’m not in Tampa drinking Busch Light).
Where to
begin…
1-Behemoth - If you’ve never been through GRD then it’s
worth a look at some point. But if you’re traveling into Paris or traveling by rail, it’s very
difficult to avoid. As far as I know, it’s the biggest rail station in the
World (I’m not a rail roadie though so I’m only guessing… it dwarfs Waterloo in London. If there’s a bigger one then I’m
damned impressed.). GRD is a monstrous network and labyrinth of rail tracks,
caverns, cafes and tens-of-thousands of people (I swear there was 150,000
people there today at 2pm when I was passing through)
divided into multiple levels, untold sections, hundreds of platforms and spread
amongst hundreds of retail outlets and ancillary services. You’ve heard of the
10,000 pound gorilla? This is the million pound uncle – whacked-out on baguettes
and Merlot, and really friggin’ mean, smelly, and vengeful.
2-Signage – Hartsfield (Atlanta) and O’Hare (Chicago) International Airports are
behemoths. Last time I checked, they were #1 and #2 in the World in terms of
total passenger and cargo traffic; phenomenally complex cities that are
stunning in their magnitude. Despite their size and complexity, it’s easy to
get around these two giant airport cities because the signage and layout is so
well done, and the terminals are so well organized (yes, flight delays at
O’Hare are unrelated and an entirely different blog). Bear with me here… I’m
building up to a point before the Swiss beer buzz kicks-in. The layout and
signage at Gare du Nord... well it sucks – it sucks eggs (oeufs en francaise…
or ‘ass’ if you’re on the playground). There are signs on the floor, sandwich
type boards, signs on the walls, signs hanging from the ceiling, sign posts
mounted on the floor, television screens of all kinds and sizes everywhere, and
signs waved in your face by drivers and gypsies begging for money (or
out-in-out stealing it from your pockets… more on those urchins in a bit). But
these signs don’t help… they confuse, distract, and bewilder. Oh, they also
come in all shapes, sizes, colours and fonts too. The signage is so bad, and
the layout and organization of all the platforms, tracks, levels, and lines are
so garishly awful, that station employees and other Parisian’s are confounded.
I waited 30 minutes on one track after two different people, and one station
employee (security guard) had told me to do so… and they frequent the place…
only to find I was waiting on the wrong platform. The locals were confused; and
all I was trying to find was the line to one of the world’s biggest airports,
Charles de Gualle!!!!!
3-Pick-pockets – The pick-pockets are bad (though I’ve never
been burned as I’m too paranoid and hawkish)… but the wandering gang types are
truly wonderful: they make English football hooligans look downright seductive.
Aggressive street types openly wander the areas
waiting to make eye contact so that they can start up a conversation, usually
initiated with a “Can you spare a cigarette, buddy?” But there’s nothing
‘buddy’ about the approach or their tone… the question is not so much a query
as it is a statement: “Answer my question so I have an invitation to murder you
for what ever measly Euros are in your pocket because I need crystal meth
something bad.” One guy asked me for change and I just ignored him without
saying anything (really it’s the best policy as you most definitely want to
avoid physical contact, and absolutely don’t want to get into a conversation
that could distract you while his buddy robs and rapes you). This particular
Don Juan didn’t take kindly to the silent treatment and started yelling at me
while following me through the crowd. I’m pretty certain he had a ‘shiv’ and
was gonna shank me, but I wasn’t too worried as there’s always an elite
commando squadron close by. “Hah, ha Toby, very funny…” You’re thinking the
Swiss beer has finally kicked in and I’m exaggerating for affect, but no, I’ve
now switched to Carlsberg (god bless those Danes) and I’m quite sober thank
you. In all seriousness, there are combat squads patrolling the station…
multiple squads. Not single guys, or pairs, but they patrol in formations of
three – two in the front, and one in the back. And they have machine guns; not
on their shoulders, or over the back, or in a case, but guns-in-hand,
at-the-ready, with their fingers on the trigger guards. Full fatigues,
battle-ready, army personnel. You ever see Aliens (not the first, but the
sequel)? Those are the bad-asses prowling GRD, and they’re everywhere. Okay,
I’ve painted a bit of a canvass for you and I’ve barely scratched the surface…
4-Tickets – God this one is painful and maddening to write
about; the dentist or a Barry Manilow marathon are joyous holidays in
comparison. I don’t know who in the hell is in charge of ticket systems at GRD,
but they should be fired – instantly. Do they still have the guillotine hanging
around from that little revolution they had…?!?!? I’m going to spare you most
of the details here but I’ll summarize: their ticket machines don’t take credit
cards (most of the time; they work some of the time… but most of the time they
ask for your PIN or reject your card outright. PIN?!? For a credit card purchase?!?!
Who in the hell remembers that?!?!). Your debit card won’t work either; the
machines don’t take cash; and unless you have 12 euros in coins tearing a seam
in your pocket, you’re S.O.L because there’s no change machines either!!!! The
only thing these idiot boxes take is change and there are no change machines!!!!
But they’re very pretty machines… wonderful colours. So they’re trying to sell
you tickets, but you cannot buy them. But you’ll discover this after you wait
in line at the machine for 15 minutes while all the other folks ahead of you
try and figure out how to pay for a ticket and storm-off fuming with the
frustration you’re about to wear like a Dick Cheney hangover from a hunting
party. There was a couple with a child that up-and-left and went to hire a
driver to take them to the airport… (the taxi line-up at GRD is another blog unto
itself). Sadly, I wasn’t as smart. So now what…? You have to go buy a ticket
from a human. Okay that’s reasonable, right? Get in line. The line is 30-people
deep and your flight leaves from Charles de Gualle in 60 minutes – and you’re
still in the purgatory otherwise known as Gare du Nord. Once you finally get
your ticket, avoid certain death from a street thug, and survive the maze that
could easily have doubled for the one that claimed Johnny in “The Shining”, now
you’re ready to find your train…. That’s the funnest (go back and read
paragraphs #1 and #2 again).
I could
go on but I think you get the point: the next time you’re in Paris, take a taxi to the airport.
PS – The
Danes make good beer, the Swiss don’t… but they’re all owned by the Belgians.
But now that I’ve got the aforementioned off my chest, I’m just a happy
Canadian on my way to Portugal. Cuidado!
PSS – I normally read history and business books, but my Kruschev
biography is too big and heavy for this trip… so I bought and am half-way through
the autobiography of Slash, lead guitarist for Guns ‘N Roses and Velvet
Revolver. In a word, it’s frigging awesome! What insanity and debauchery… it
doesn’t matter if you don’t like the music or disapprove of the scene or rock
n’ roll lifestyle, this is a must-read look into the music world without the
MTV filter, make-up, and half-rate PR shroud. Anyone read Nicky Sixx's book? Recommend?
